(Disclaimer: Not to be read by the faint hearted or easily offended)
That is of course unless you’re rich and famous or of royal or noble blood perhaps, and can easily afford the luxury of round the clock childcare, whilst you’re pampered and preened to perfection and to within an inch of your life.
[Please ignore me – that was the green eyed monster within me talking]
To my deep despair and disappointment, I’m certainly not that person!
Before becoming pregnant or being a ‘mummy’ – I was thin(ner)!
I was less flabby, less covered in cellulite, I had energy, less wrinkles and far fewer grey hairs!
Oh… And my brain worked!
I was far better off financially, was (reasonably) fashionable, had nice shoes and bags, wore heels, had matching underwear, a social life and everything was clean, tidy and in order.
Then it all changed!
We decided to start a family!
Which is just the baby-step beginnings of a very un-glamourous future of parenthood lying in store…….
So there we go, you’ve made that mammoth and life changing decision that you’re ready to start a family and want to get pregnant; and you can think of nothing other than the unimaginable beauty and sheer delight and joy of becoming a mummy to a beautiful little baby – (either that or you’ve been hounded and pestered into it on a daily basis by your mum, with comments like ‘Ooh your body clock’s ticking’, so all the fun, excitement and element of surprise are completely taken out of the process)
So now down to business….
Sex is no longer a romantic, spur of the moment, impulsive urge of pure passion!
Instead it’s timed according to books, online guidance and ovulation calendars.
You’re far too tired and exhausted to try anything new or experimental with your other half because you’ve been ‘AT IT ’ EVERY NIGHT for the last TWO WEEKS, each and every flipping month for the last 6, in desperate attempt to catch the correct day, time etc
Its almost as if the clocks have turned back to when you first met each other those very many years ago – although at least then it was fun!!
Sometimes it’s just a ‘quickie’ in the ad break or your favourite TV programme, or on other occasions, especially if its BBC1, it’s been known for some to actually just lie there and watch the entire episode of EastEnders while your both at it as there’s no ad breaks to take advantage of!
Other times, you look around the room and see what décor needs changing or notice how many cobwebs there are which need to be vacuumed up!
Then, you’re so bloody exhausted from all of the above, that you just want to get it over with as soon as possible so you can just roll over, check your social media for any updates and go to sleep!
An oh no – there’s no such thing as snuggling or cuddling afterwards either!
Instead, Hubbie springs into routine action by darting quickly off the bed, swinging your legs hurriedly around and hoisting you by your ankles to get your bum raised up and onto the pillows with your legs up against the wall behind the bed in order to get into optimum position, all in extra fast ‘Matrix’ style fashion just to improve your chances of conceiving!
Hubbie then gets in bed, sticks the tv on and there you are chatting to one another about how your days have been whilst you’re still led there naked, freezing cold and upside down!
Then eau month you excitedly, yet apprehensively pee on a stick, naturally weeing all over your hand in the process, just to find out if all the above effort has been rewarded!
Woohoo – you’re pregnant!
The major transformation is of course, that the woman’s body totally changes shape in order to grow and care for her little bundle of joy.
Every day for the past twenty or so years we’ve moaned and whined on to whoever will listen to us about the fact we need to diet and get rid of our oversized and wobbly bums, but we then willingly choose to embark on a journey where we knowingly become fat!
Firstly, hey – its natural! But secondly, because we gorge ourselves on anything and everything we can physically lay our hands on in the house.
Crisps, sandwiches, lumps of cheese, chocolate, everything in the kids ‘treats’ drawer, and even the slice of yummy birthday cake from your elder daughters party bag!!
And obviously a shopping trip to the local supermarket is like heaven!!!
Unfortunately (for those of us not in this category) some women are just plain annoying and lucky and only develop the tiniest, cutesy, perfectly rounded bump known to man, which immediately just seems to vanish as soon as they’ve given birth, just like magic!
Piff, paff, poof and its gone!
Leaving those lucky ladies with a washboard stomach and abs a bodybuilder would die for.
This leaves the rest of us mere mortals (normal women!!) even more depressed when we give birth ourselves and with a huge gut hanging over the top of our trousers for the next three years! Let alone the extra fat deposits on the bingo wings, the saddlebags, the muffin top, the back fat, the third chin etc!
Then, in the desperate attempt to hide the aforementioned gut, saddlebags, flab etc we don those humungous and totally unflattering Bridget Jones pants for the next few years, (even through the height of summer – where we accept that we will no doubt be sweaty and clammy for the entire day), to flatten or at least spread out the fat across the body so we give the impression of appearing slimmer.
Though, if you’re anything like me, these then become added to my dangerous category (read ‘Being a Mummy is Dangerous‘ here), as you totally put your back out whilst trying to hoist them half way up your body in a rather snug toilet cubicle!
I think I nearly dislocated my shoulder in the process!
In addition to the ‘getting fat’ bit, you then just become a body.
Yep – this is where you’re dignity is well and truly tossed out of the window!
All airs, graces and modesty will be washed away as your body practically gets violated on a weekly basis.
It will become the norm to be manhandled by any tom, dick and harry in a white coat!
(Slight worry if you’re an over-trusting type of person as am I, ….heck – Joe Blogs could even walk in off the street and into your hospital cubicle for a quick check up!!)
Every week at your regular check up your pushed and prodded in all your girly areas, so much so you almost feel like a dairy cow who’s had a visit from the vet with the long gloves on or not amiss to a turkey getting stuffed at Christmas!!
On top of this you’ve got swollen ankles; and if you even glance in the direction of a drink or a running tap you need to go to the loo.
It’s too much faff to bend over (without weeing or farting) to shave your legs so your leg hair ends up merging into your lady bits above, which in turn have matured to resemble a wild and unkempt mess to rival any rainforest!
And Sod’s Law – your boobs inflate if you don’t want them to, whereas you’re thoroughly disappointed when they stay as flat as a pancake when this is THE moment you’ve been looking forward to your whole life, as you can’t afford plastic surgery!
Hubbie looks a little disappointed at this point too!
And the fact that some suggest you use a medicinal olive oil (pre-natural birth) to ‘ready yourself for the big day’ shall we say – well, that just seemed a step too far for me!!!
So, finally after nine months comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for!
The birth itself.
Well what can I say here that you don’t know already.
You’ve all seen the TV programmes or actually experienced it for yourselves already.
Your waters break, it feels like you’ve wet yourself, you’re regularly checked to see how much you’ve dilated and you end up pushing a melon through a hole somewhat smaller in size, which again of course is expected, but still seems pretty scary a thought!
And you sometimes even soil yourself in the process of pushing!
How delightful for us!
Add to this an enthusiastic crowd of young student doctors who’ve ‘spectated’ through the whole event and you have my very own personal experience.
Yep – there I was, led starkers on a cold slab of a bed, all ready (physically, not mentally!) for a C-section, completely unable to maneuver a leg slightly to make my legs appear just a little thinner, as you would do whilst sunbathing, (especially when the anesthetist was rather yummy eye candy for the procedure!)
And of course, if you haven’t managed to beforehand you will be shaved down below too.
And, just when we think its all over…… it’s mummy hood!
I obviously didn’t do enough of my pelvic floor excercises as bladder control is a distant memory to me – a thing of the past.
I literally had to fling myself forward, nearly headbutting the seat in front of me the other evening at the cinema in an attempt not to totally wet myself at a particularly funny scene from The Inbetweeners 2.
And I can tell you there have also been times where I’ve just had to sit down and cross my legs wherever I am – yep – pavements, random doorways, shop floors to name but a few just to prevent a hugely embarrassing accident!
You’ve got gorging boobs, full of milk with sore and cracked nipples from the endless feeding; not one piece of clothing has been spared from vomit, you’ve been sneezed on, wee’d on and to top it off, you’ve just knelt down into the soiled nappy!
You have dark dinner plates encircling your eyes, poo under your chipped nails and dry sore hands from all the changing.
You can be sat happily talking to your father in law over a friendly cuppa when all of a sudden you notice your breast pad’s slipped up out of your bra and is just poking out of the top of your t-shirt, leaving a very obvious wet patch where your milk has leaked.
You’re still wearing the BIG maternity pants to keep in the mummy tummy, flabby bum and cellulite.
You have a shower and end up having to pick out all the hair from the plug hole as your hair keeps falling out.
And then our beautiful babies turn into toddlers and the fun just seems to continue…..
You’ve got no money to afford beauty treatments; no nice clothes as all you can fit into is the maternity jeans two years down the line.
You’ve got no money to afford beauty treatments; no nice clothes as all you can fit into is the maternity jeans from two years ago and
you’re forever wiping bums, picking noses, holding your hand out when they no longer fancy chewing their lunch in a restaurant.
You have food and poo in your hair until a colleague points it out to you, you’re forever cleaning up sick, and slopping potty juice all over you on the way to the loo!
The list is endless and is ever changing as something new and equally and utterly disgusting appears on your radar each and every day!!
Ooh the excitement!! I can’t wait!