So, late last week I had a bit of a meltdown.
I lost all confidence in my abilities, at home at work and online. I questioned whether I just had too many plates spinning all at once and wondered if it was perhaps time to let one just slip and fall to the floor.
This is the letter I penned to my beloved blog site…….
(please excuse the long-winded rambling – my head was in a very unhappy space at the time)
Dear Diary of a Midlife Mummy,
I’m writing this to you with tears rolling down my cheeks, a lump in my throat and a heavy heart.
I feel I’ve grown so close to you over this past year and love you dearly, but I feel I need to take a break.
My head is in a very strange place at the moment and I don’t feel I’m able to provide our relationship with the time, effort and dedication it deserves. Let alone the love it requires to grow further.
I’m struggling. I can’t find enough hours in the day to give solely to you as I have other important commitments of my own which I feel I’m neglecting.
I feel drained, and feel I’m turning into a different person. A person who’s always trying to please you, or others.
I don’t want to feel that pang of guilt anymore when I miss an appointment with you.
I feel I’ve lost a little of who I am, and I need some ‘time out’ to find me again, to re-establish my own priorities, needs and wants.
I understand I’m far from perfect but I believe you need me to be more than I can give.
I’m flawed, I’m too busy or unorganised for your hectic, nonstop and oh so public lifestyle.
I’m don’t feel stylish enough to live in that world.
I’ve lost all confidence in my abilities and really don’t feel I’m ready to take things to the next level yet.
And I’m forever concerned with what others really think of us. Do they actually like us after all? I just don’t think I’m good enough for you.
Though probably, as with most things in life, perhaps I am good enough – yet my seemingly everlasting lack of self-confidence and overwhelmingly negative thinking is pushing me further and further away from you.
And I do have plans to address the way I’m feeling – I plan to talk to it through with the relevant people and seek help.
And you never know – perhaps this will do the trick. Perhaps they can re-jig me and get me back on an even keel – to a place where I can find the time to love you to your fullest again.
To rediscover our happy place.
For this reason, I’m wondering if, rather than calling it a day, perhaps we just start again from the beginning and take things slowly.
Rather than meeting up at all hours of everyday, perhaps just drop things back to a few times a week – maybe even once a week to begin with.
I need and want to rediscover the excitement that drew me to you in the first place.
I need to see you when I can or more to the point, when I want to – not every hour of each day, just because its expected of me. And, perhaps if we do still keep seeing one another, maybe we shouldn’t announce it so much. I don’t feel I can shout it from the rafters each time we do something different or have something new to report. I just can’t keep up with it. Perhaps lets just keep it to ourselves and amongst our good friends for a while.
I realise I will undoubtedly lose many of our friends along the way – but you never know – some may return, and others may even stay loyal and come along for a slower ride.
I’ve found writing this so very hard. You’ve taught me so much over the year. A lot about you and furthermore I’ve discovered a great deal about myself. And you’ve shown me how to stop, and take in the little moments of life and appreciate things more.
I feel I’ve let you down, I feel I’ve let myself down, and I feel I’m letting our friends down.
So, if you’ll still have me – I would love to start again.
So there you have it.
Luckily, I’ve managed to pick myself up a bit since having written that letter to myself.
I’ve realized that its ok to admit defeat sometimes. It’s ok to admit to struggling. And its ok to hold your hands up and ask for help.
As this is exactly what I did. And as a result – my dear blogging friends rallied round and picked me straight back up again from my fall, and helped me brush myself down.
Blogging is hard work.
It’s wonderful, it’s gratifying, its rewarding and fulfilling, but its labour and time intensive. It’s not just about writing and posts which you’ve lovingly written – it’s about establishing a steadfast readership with loyal followers and friends.
If of course, that’s what you want it to be.
Because I’ve come to realize that it’s not solely all about that. It’s important to stay true to who you are – to stay true to why you started out in the first place. To stay real! After all – this is surely where your passion for writing comes from and your readers can see when your being you and writing from the heart.
After writing my letter, I visited my blog site once more, as I have done time and time again, and rather than just pen another post, or play with the theme again, I went back to the beginning and re-read all my old posts.
Particularly the ones of my girls.
I remembered that this is why I started this blog in the first place, and it made me smile.
Although it would be lovely to be a top blogger, to have the most amazing stats each month, and to review all the finest products and faraway holidays (don’t get me wrong – this would be lovely) – it’s important to understand this can’t always happen overnight.
As the saying goes….
It’s a marathon – not a sprint
And I believe this is true of blogging.
Well this is how I expect my blog to grow anyway.
This is the way I need to continue so that the other parts of my life don’t have to take a back seat. So I don’t have to feel guilty all the time.
You never know – perhaps in a few months things may change where I’ll be at a more stable part in my life where I can dedicate more time to my blog – but in the meantime – I will write for me, what I intended to write about in the first place and I will hopefully just grow at a steady pace.
So all that said, you may or may not be pleased to hear that Steph and her much-loved Diary of a Midlife Mummy is going to be staying around for a little while longer yet!!
I would love to have you stay with me for the journey.