So, late last week I had a bit of a meltdown.
I lost all confidence in my abilities, at home at work and online. I questioned whether I just had too many plates spinning all at once and wondered if it was perhaps time to let one just slip and fall to the floor.
This is the letter I penned to my beloved blog site…….
(please excuse the long-winded rambling – my head was in a very unhappy space at the time)
Dear Diary of a Midlife Mummy,
I’m writing this to you with tears rolling down my cheeks, a lump in my throat and a heavy heart.
I feel I’ve grown so close to you over this past year and love you dearly, but I feel I need to take a break.
My head is in a very strange place at the moment and I don’t feel I’m able to provide our relationship with the time, effort and dedication it deserves. Let alone the love it requires to grow further.
I’m struggling. I can’t find enough hours in the day to give solely to you as I have other important commitments of my own which I feel I’m neglecting.
I feel drained, and feel I’m turning into a different person. A person who’s always trying to please you, or others.
I don’t want to feel that pang of guilt anymore when I miss an appointment with you.
I feel I’ve lost a little of who I am, and I need some ‘time out’ to find me again, to re-establish my own priorities, needs and wants.
I understand I’m far from perfect but I believe you need me to be more than I can give.
I’m flawed, I’m too busy or unorganised for your hectic, nonstop and oh so public lifestyle.
I’m don’t feel stylish enough to live in that world.
I’ve lost all confidence in my abilities and really don’t feel I’m ready to take things to the next level yet.And I’m forever concerned with what others really think of us. Do they actually like us after all? I just don’t think I’m good enough for you.
Though probably, as with most things in life, perhaps I am good enough – yet my seemingly everlasting lack of self-confidence and overwhelmingly negative thinking is pushing me further and further away from you.
And I do have plans to address the way I’m feeling – I plan to talk to it through with the relevant people and seek help.
And you never know – perhaps this will do the trick. Perhaps they can re-jig me and get me back on an even keel – to a place where I can find the time to love you to your fullest again.
To rediscover our happy place.For this reason, I’m wondering if, rather than calling it a day, perhaps we just start again from the beginning and take things slowly.
Rather than meeting up at all hours of everyday, perhaps just drop things back to a few times a week – maybe even once a week to begin with.
I need and want to rediscover the excitement that drew me to you in the first place.I need to see you when I can or more to the point, when I want to – not every hour of each day, just because its expected of me. And, perhaps if we do still keep seeing one another, maybe we shouldn’t announce it so much. I don’t feel I can shout it from the rafters each time we do something different or have something new to report. I just can’t keep up with it. Perhaps lets just keep it to ourselves and amongst our good friends for a while.
I realise I will undoubtedly lose many of our friends along the way – but you never know – some may return, and others may even stay loyal and come along for a slower ride.
I’ve found writing this so very hard. You’ve taught me so much over the year. A lot about you and furthermore I’ve discovered a great deal about myself. And you’ve shown me how to stop, and take in the little moments of life and appreciate things more.
I feel I’ve let you down, I feel I’ve let myself down, and I feel I’m letting our friends down.
So, if you’ll still have me – I would love to start again.
xx
So there you have it.
Luckily, I’ve managed to pick myself up a bit since having written that letter to myself.
I’ve realized that its ok to admit defeat sometimes. It’s ok to admit to struggling. And its ok to hold your hands up and ask for help.
As this is exactly what I did. And as a result – my dear blogging friends rallied round and picked me straight back up again from my fall, and helped me brush myself down.
Blogging is hard work.
It’s wonderful, it’s gratifying, its rewarding and fulfilling, but its labour and time intensive. It’s not just about writing and posts which you’ve lovingly written – it’s about establishing a steadfast readership with loyal followers and friends.
If of course, that’s what you want it to be.
Because I’ve come to realize that it’s not solely all about that. It’s important to stay true to who you are – to stay true to why you started out in the first place. To stay real! After all – this is surely where your passion for writing comes from and your readers can see when your being you and writing from the heart.
After writing my letter, I visited my blog site once more, as I have done time and time again, and rather than just pen another post, or play with the theme again, I went back to the beginning and re-read all my old posts.
Particularly the ones of my girls.
I remembered that this is why I started this blog in the first place, and it made me smile.
Although it would be lovely to be a top blogger, to have the most amazing stats each month, and to review all the finest products and faraway holidays (don’t get me wrong – this would be lovely) – it’s important to understand this can’t always happen overnight.
As the saying goes….
It’s a marathon – not a sprint
And I believe this is true of blogging.
Well this is how I expect my blog to grow anyway.
This is the way I need to continue so that the other parts of my life don’t have to take a back seat. So I don’t have to feel guilty all the time.
You never know – perhaps in a few months things may change where I’ll be at a more stable part in my life where I can dedicate more time to my blog – but in the meantime – I will write for me, what I intended to write about in the first place and I will hopefully just grow at a steady pace.
So all that said, you may or may not be pleased to hear that Steph and her much-loved Diary of a Midlife Mummy is going to be staying around for a little while longer yet!!
I would love to have you stay with me for the journey.
xx
Aww! This actually made me feel really sad because I feel the same some days. Its really hard to get the balance right and dedicate enough tine to all parties involved!
I’ve just got to a point where I blog when I can, I certainly don’t have drafts completed or scheduled posts (wish I did!), but I write when I want to write. Its definitely important to stay true in your words and style, because thats you and you get readers through being you 🙂 (thats what I like to think anyway!!)
Good luck on your journey xx
P.S it’s the first time I’ve read over here, I took a nosey when I saw you follow me on Instagram! Hehe! (and I shall keep coming back!)
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Oh honey – I’m so pleased that you had a peek purely because I Instagram stalked you! Hahaha! Yes, blogging is totally wonderful – but if you’re not careful it can totally wipe you out too don’t you think. I’ve also been getting a bit upset about stats and stuff lately. And although I say its purely for me etc etc – it is lovely to sometimes think that others like what you have to say too. Since my meltdown I have definitely become more at ease with the whole thing though. I am trying to be more organised and trying to work ahead of time. But lit gets in the way and it all goes wrong. Hey ho – we will just pick ourselves up and start again eh!! We can do this. 😉 Thanks so much for the lovely comment and hope to speak again xxxx
I’m glad you staying, I have had to limit myself on my blog and I feel guilty neglecting it but sometimes it has to be done. Take your time and start enjoying finding your feet again. You love your blog, it shows x
I’m still so glad that you didn’t break up with blogging. I love you and it was fab to meet you at Blogfest. And to share hosting duties of #SundaysStars with you. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Oh darling, this made me so sad then relieved you are sticking around, we all have those dips in confidence and can sometimes be our own worst enemies but you are so talented and lovely too and you are so right, take everything at your own time, what is so wonderful about blogging is that every blog is individual, each voice unique and however big or small you think of your blog, your audience is targeted and niche and counts for a lot whether you want to make it your career or not. You rock. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x
A heartfelt post.
Glad you aren’t stopping the blogging because you are clearly very talented x
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Laura, thank you so much for your amazing comment. I feel very flattered. I have never been one to take a compliment, as obviously I’ve never been the most confident of people, but thank you. It means the world to me. And I’m so sorry for the late reply. Life is still manic. Good, but manic. ☺️☺️ Steph xxx
Steph you are clever, talented and beautiful (inside and out). Please remember that we all have dark days, days where we lose our confidence and question what we’re doing and that’s fine. What you have to remember is that you’re one of us now and whenever you have a dark day we’re here for you. On a personal note, I think you and your blog are FAB!! xx
#SundayStars
I could have written that letter this week – that’s really how I feel. There is no reason to Blog except for myself, so I’m trying to only do it for me when and how I want. Great post. #PoCoLo
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Thank you so much Kate for your comment. I know I’m very late in replying so would love to know if you’re feeling any better?? I must admit, since writing that post and hitting publish, I am seeing things far more clearer now and have reevaluated why I’m doing it. I’ve reminded myself that I never entered this as a means to earn money or gain the big spots on Tots100, but hey, if we get there through just plodding along and enjoying what we’re doing then heh. Hope you’re ok, Steph xxx
I love, love, LOVE this and I am so glad that you had a change of heart!
You are BRILLIANT, remember that and take everything at your own speed xxxxx
Ah Steph, I am so glad you are coming through this you are amazing xxxx
I too had a similar blog breakdown moment but I just think how much I want to be able to look back in years to come and it puts it into perspective. Aynytime you feel like a break, take one – your blog is exactly that – yours. x
so glad you’ve picked yourself up your blogs brilliant and so glad i met you yesterday! xx
We all have moments like this – you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. Blogging should always be something you do because you want to not because you feel you have to. For what it’s worth I enjoy reading your posts because you’re honest and you have something to say which strikes a chord with me. Keep up the good work!
I am new to #PoCoLo and having done my Po, in searching on where to Co, your post jumped out at me, well who can’t relate to this ?!
Your letter is fantastic keep a copy you will be able to change a few words and use it endlessly in your life… your hairdresser, the butcher, at the gym. Ha Ha … ok so maybe change more than a few words for some of these it could be a tad ackws when all you wanted was some sausages for the kids tea!! You write really well, don’t compare and love yourself first.
You’ll be right as we say DownUnder.
Have a lovely w/end.
Wren x
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Thank you so much for showing me some amazing ‘down under’ love. And I’m so sorry for only just replying! Thank you for saying you like my writing – that means so much to me. And I’m so pleased I wrote that letter. I’ve found the real me again and I can start adding the usual ‘steph’ humour to my posts again. And yes, I will be sure to keep the letter on file
I have moments like this. I am jobless and was thinking that I can use the blog to earn a bit and help w/ the household expenses. Not getting any from it yet as I am in a weird platform and just basically doesnt have enough stats to be out there with the others. I would rest when I feel like this. I feel that when I feel that I am struggling its also the time that I need some time off of the blog. It usually work and I would go back excited and with ideas and photos to share. I am still a long long long far away from where I want to be and I am not even sure I can get there but at least I can try. #pocolo
It’s really easy to get sucked in to the stats game. I’ve been there many times before, worried about my stats and tried blogging more to get them up. In the end I lost sight of why I blogged and then caught that dreaded blogger’s block. Stick to what you love about blogging.
Glad you’re feeling a little better about it. xx #PoCoLo
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Thank you so much for your comment. The whole stats thing is horrible. I don’t like to think of myself as a competitive person to that degree but I must admit it’s nice to know that others might actually like what your writing. I’m so pleased I actually posted that letter, as I really think it was the kick I needed to find the real me again. Thank you so very much. Steph xxx
I love how Aby has described blogging! I had a similar breakdown this week- it is such hard work and when you look around and see everyone else reviewing loads or getting 50 comments on a post etc it can bring out the green eyed monster- which in turn makes you feel like a failure as a blogger.
Blogging for your girls is why you started, stick that on a post it note on your laptop:-)
x
Hi Steph, I’ve just come across your blog through #brilliantblogposts so I don’t know it – but I’m glad you haven’t abandoned it! I felt the same as you did last week before the summer, took a two-month break and now I’m back enjoying it much more, on my own terms. No one forgot me and I don’t think anyone noticed, let alone, minded to be honest! You have to make the blog work for you and not make you feel guilty and pressured. Good luck with it!
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Thank you so much Jess for your lovely comment. And I’m so sorry I’ve taken so long to get back to you. I almost think I needed to hit rock bottom almost to make me start to see things clearer again. Which I now do. And I feel far more at ease in the knowledge that I’m most definitely not the only one who’s battled this in the past. Thanks so much again for your comment. Steph xxx
It is so easy to put pressure on yourself to dedicate everything you have to your blog and, realistically, it’s just not possible. It’s good to have a bit of a break away, remind yourself why you started blogging in the first place and find the joy in it again!
Glad to hear you are back!
Emma | frillsanddoodads.com
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Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. It’s been very therapeutic for me to hear that so many others often feel the same so I’m really glad I opened up. I feel so much better now and am definitely back on the right track and am loving what I’m doing and when I’m doing it rather than working to stats and posting because I feel I have to. Thank you so much again and I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. Steph xxx
Oh Steph, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I make myself take a step back and remind myself that ‘blogging isn’t going anywhere’. As soon as I take the pressure off, I start enjoying it again. I hope this is the same for you too. 🙂
*huggery*
Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx
I’ve only been blogging a couple of months and am still finding my voice – but I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here about staying true to yourself. Not always easy to admit we need help but well done for sharing something so emotional and close to your heart. I think we all often feel like this, but just daren’t say.
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Thank you Kate for your lovely reply and apologies for my late one!!! Since I wrote that down and hit ‘publish’ I have not looked back. I feel so much more positive for it and yes, I think I’ve rediscovered the real me again and remembered why I’m doing it. And with this realisation, I’m far less fussed by the stats and the PR deals. Which is good, because they’re still few and far between. Hahaha. Thank you so much again, Steph xxx
Oh dear Steph. I love your blog so much and I am so glad you and your blog are sticking around. You make a great team! It is funny isn’t it because I compare myself to other mums and bloggers and always feel lacking. That is just the way of someone who suffers with low self-confidence. No matter how many times someone tells you that you are awesome. It is too hard to believe. You have to reach that conclusion in your own. And you will feel better. You just have to take one day at a time. If you miss a linky or writing a post. So what?! We’re all here for your and we’ll be cheering you along on your marathon. Love you. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
The blogs I love the ones that are honest and haven’t strayed away from their original purpose. I love reading your blog and I look forward to reading more in the future. But you just need to do what is right for you, and your family. Your blog should be something that you enjoy.
I have felt those same insecurities (and still do regularly) as I am sure most other bloggers have.
I can’t wait to meet you x
Hurray hurray. Never feel too much pressure, it’s supposed to be for you and you alone. We love your writing and your photos. We will most certainly be staying. And less is good, we all have little time and it’s lovely for me to be able to keep up with all you write, selfish I know.
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Karen – I find the keeping up with others blog posts so tricky!! There’s always so much to write, to research, to tweet, to pin, to photograph etc, that I must admit I really struggle with it. So when I do actually sit down and have a good old read, I love it. You all take me on different journeys which is fab. I’m so pleased I’m on this blogging journey together with you. Thanks for sticking around.
Such a lovely written post, I know exactly how you feel. I used to write a beauty blog a few years back but it all got too much then I had my little man so stopped writing but now I’ve changed, I’m back with a new blog & this time it’s me first rather and I’m loving it xx
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I’m so pleased that you’ve managed to find the time to start a new blog. It’s a shame that they take up so much time, because we obviously love them and have a passion for writing and for interacting with people, so it’s always a shame when they get the better of us. I’m pleased to say that my hiccup has passed now and I’m far more positive for having written it down and published it. It was my therapy. Thanks you again for your lovely comment and again I’m sorry I’m so late in replying!! Steph xxx
Sometimes I look at other mum blogs and think how great it would be to have that, but to be honest I don’t have the time to dedicate to it. Real life has to come first, I just remind myself that my blog is my therapy, completely 100% for me. If people enjoy it or get anything out of it that’s great, but it’s not my purpose.
It’s good to occasionally take a step back and realise what we have is great too 🙂
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What a lovely comment. And so very true. I am very glad I actually wrote it down though, and actually acknowledged that I was struggling. It’s made me look at the whole thing with fresh eyes again, and I feel so much more positive for it. I feel like I’ve rediscovered the old me again. Thank you so much for your wonderful comment and apologies for this late response. Steph xxx
I feel like this almost every week! It happens to all of us but you are just brave enough to admit it. Well done you! Xx
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Thank you so much Vickie. It’s very hard isn’t it, but I’m just so glad I actually opened up and write it down – I feel like it’s given me the strength to keep going and I feel so much more positive about the whole thing now. Thanks so much again for your lovely comment and apologies for the late reply. Steph xxx
Bless you huni! Your blog should always be for you. Anything else is just frosting 🙂 xxx